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  727. Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

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  728. When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

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  739. We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

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  740. What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

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  741. One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

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  743. The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

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  747. If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

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  748. Silence is argument carried out by other means.

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  749. There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

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  756. So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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  757. > > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

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  763. The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

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  766. What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

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  826. The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

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  827. The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

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  866. I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

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  867. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

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  877. An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

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  887. Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

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  888. The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

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  892. Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

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  893. Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

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  894. The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

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  895. Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

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  896. An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

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  898. Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

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  899. I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

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  900. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

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  901. Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

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  902. The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

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  903. Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

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  904. I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

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  905. Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

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  906. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

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  907. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

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  908. Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

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  909. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

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  910. Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

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  911. I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

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  912. Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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  913. We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

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  914. A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

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  916. Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

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  917. Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

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  918. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

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  919. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

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  920. Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

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  921. Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

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  922. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

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  923. My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

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  924. Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

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  925. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

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  926. Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

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  927. Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

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  928. Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

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  929. I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

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  931. When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

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  932. I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

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  933. You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

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  934. Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

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  936. It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

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  937. He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

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  938. A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

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  939. There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

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  940. The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

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  941. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

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  942. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

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  943. I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

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  944. In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

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  945. If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

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  946. Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

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  947. Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

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  948. We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

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  949. The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

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  950. Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

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  951. There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

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  952. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

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  956. I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

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  957. [War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

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  958. Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

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  961. Why don't you write books people can read?

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  962. Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

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  963. Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

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  964. The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

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  965. I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

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  966. I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

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  967. There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

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  971. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

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  972. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

    Comment by Ona Grauer Nude - posted on September 10, 2011
  973. Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

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  974. Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

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  975. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

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  976. I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

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  977. Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

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  978. The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

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  979. All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

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  981. 'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

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  982. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

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  983. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

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  984. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

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  985. Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

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  986. Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

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  988. The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

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  994. Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

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  996. Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

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  1000. The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

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  1002. I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

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  1003. But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

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  1004. A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

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  1005. War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

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  1009. C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

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  1011. A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

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  1012. C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

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  1013. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

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  1017. Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

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  1039. Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

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  1046. The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

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  1047. War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

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  1057. If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

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  1061. I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

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  1062. All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

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  1065. All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

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  1066. Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

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  1067. Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

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  1068. The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

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  1069. Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

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  1070. Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

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  1071. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

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  1072. Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

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  1077. It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

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  1078. Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

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  1079. I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

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  1081. A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

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  1082. You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

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  1083. If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

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  1084. I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

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  1085. Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

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  1086. Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

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  1087. Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

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  1088. Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

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  1089. A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

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  1090. I am not young enough to know everything.

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  1091. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

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  1092. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

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  1093. We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

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  1094. The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

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  1095. Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

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  1097. The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

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  1098. Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

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  1099. C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

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  1100. Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

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  1101. If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

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  1102. A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

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  1103. The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

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  1104. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

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  1105. An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

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  1106. Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

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  1107. If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

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  1108. A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

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  1109. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

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  1110. A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

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  1111. Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

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  1112. I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

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  1113. I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

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  1114. A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

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  1115. I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

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  1116. Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

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  1117. Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

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  1118. A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

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  1119. UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

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  1120. TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

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  1121. The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

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  1122. Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

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  1123. Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

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  1124. I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

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  1125. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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  1126. The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

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  1127. Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

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  1128. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

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  1129. Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

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  1130. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

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  1131. Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

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  1132. A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

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  1133. Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

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  1134. Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

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  1135. Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

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  1136. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

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  1137. Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

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  1138. Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

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  1139. A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

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  1140. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

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  1141. The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

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  1142. Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

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  1143. In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

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  1144. Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

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  1145. Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

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  1146. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

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  1147. Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

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  1148. Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

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  1149. Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

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  1150. Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

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  1151. Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

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  1152. I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

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  1153. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

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  1154. I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

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  1155. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

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  1156. C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

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  1157. First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

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  1158. You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

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  1159. Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

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  1160. I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

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  1161. There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

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  1162. If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

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  1163. I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

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  1164. I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

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  1165. Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

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  1166. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

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  1167. C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

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  1169. I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

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  1170. Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

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  1171. Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

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  1172. It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

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  1173. 'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

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  1174. When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

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  1175. I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

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  1176. The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

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  1177. To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

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  1178. Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

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  1179. I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

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  1180. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

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  1181. Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

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  1182. We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

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  1183. Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

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  1184. The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

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  1186. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

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  1187. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

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  1188. Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

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  1189. Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

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  1190. Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

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  1191. We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

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  1192. Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

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  1193. Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

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  1194. The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

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  1195. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

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  1196. Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

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  1197. Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

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  1198. Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

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  1199. Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

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  1200. The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

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  1201. True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

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  1202. The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

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  1203. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

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  1204. Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

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  1205. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

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  1206. Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

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  1207. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

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  1208. University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

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  1209. I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

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  1210. If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

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  1211. You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

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  1212. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

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  1213. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

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  1214. Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

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  1215. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

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  1216. Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

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  1217. Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

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  1218. Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

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  1219. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

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  1220. If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

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  1221. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

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  1222. Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

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  1223. Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

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  1224. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

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  1225. Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

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  1226. A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

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  1227. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

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  1228. Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

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  1229. There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

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  1230. The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

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  1231. Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

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  1232. ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

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  1233. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

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  1234. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

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  1235. I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

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  1236. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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  1237. We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

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  1238. Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

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  1239. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

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  1240. Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

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